A school counsellor shares: What parents should know about stress in primary schools

Following our chat with a teacher, we managed to speak to another friend who is a counsellor about the same subject.

Mr G has been working at a primary school as a counsellor for nearly 4 years. He shares that what we may understand as counselling might be the old stereotype of talking to a child to change problematic behaviours. “It’s not like that today. I’d say it’s more getting to know a child away from their friends, and families to understand them better. We actually get parents coming to us to ask us to chat with their children to make sure they’re coping or feeling OK in instances like a family member passing away,” says the father of a 10-year-old and 6-year-old.

He tells us more about what children in primary schools encounter.

Is it really the pressures of studying which cause stress in primary school? Not quite.

What have you noticed about children in primary school and their attitudes or behaviours since becoming a counsellor?

The primary school years span over great developmental stages. They broadly fall under 6-8 years old, 8-10 and 10-12 years of age. Children exhibit different behaviours at different stages. And while I would prefer not to generalise, what may be common in the kids whom I meet is that they are usually holding on to some emotional issues or suppressing their emotions. Other than that, they’re just as like any other child.

What are some common pressures or issues that kids face in primary school these days? Where do these stressors come from?

In primary school, the top concern for kids are families and relationships with their parents. School grades and friendships don’t figure so much. They’re still very much dependent on their parents for affirmation. The most common pressure for most children is the desire to please adults, and meet the expectations of their parents. This ties in with issues of poor self-esteem, which is another cause of stress. Some kids may also struggle with uncertainty — this is usually due to them facing more challenging situations at home where things are in a flux.

Don’t wait till kids are older to start paying attention to their time in school.

At which age would you say that parents need to be more attuned / attentive to the needs of their children when it comes to primary school and its pressures?

As early as possible. So that’s starting from primary 1. It’s not about waiting till things get more stressful or whether there’s an appropriate age. I encourage parents to have conversations with their children constantly about school. For instance, in primary 1, there’s a lot of transition, and it may not be as fun compared to kindergarten. Some kids may adjust quickly, others may not. In the upper primary, it could be about new subjects or a challenging project. There are always news concerns to understand about a child’s life in school. Start off perhaps by finding out how their day went, what they may like or dislike about school.

What are some signs that a child may be stressed that parents may miss out on?

For primary 1 and 2 kids, they’re still not as developed cognitively. A lot of their actions or speeches are reactive and may not make sense. They will appear distressed, crying or just yelling their frustrations out. From about primary 2 onwards, they may start to push boundaries extensively to get a reaction. For older primary children, stress might show up in their behaviour. They could be more withdrawn, and not talk as much with their families. There’s a lot of internal conflict going on at this age which they feel they have no solution to so that could also take the form of more aggressive or resentful attitudes.

The mental load on both teachers and counsellors have also grown as our kids grapple with more complex issues. How can parents be more supportive of the work that they do?

Just work with the school. If the school or teachers reach out, understand the effort that they are making in wanting to help your child. There’s no need to be defensive of your child or your parenting. Just don’t be a mean parent. Schools are no longer a place just to get a certificate — it’s also where they can discover life lessons, how to fail, how to pick themselves up. Let kids learn these.

Confident, resilient kids, get their security from self-aware parents.

As a counsellor and father, what are some changes you hope to see at home, in schools and our society in how we raise happier, more confident and resilient kids?

We need to be more aware as parents of the environment our kids are growing up in, and get to know our children better. Be mindful of our own triggers as parents so we can take actionable change to improve ourselves in interacting with our children. One more thing —be more encouraging and not overly critical.

Lastly, what is the best way to help this age group make sense of traumatic events they may see in the news?

At the primary school level, they may not understand the whole situation. Or they could also take time to process the event. Listen without jumping in to tell them how to handle it. Ask questions for older primary kids. For instance, “What are some ways you would deal with unhappiness or stress?” With regards to the recent school tragedy, I sat down with my kids to ask them what they knew, then I filled in the blanks appropriately and factually. I explained there is nothing wrong in having unpleasant feelings. But what can we do about them? Have an open mind and let them share.